Today is Resurrection Sunday, a day that we Christians celebrate as the promise of eternal life after death. John 3:16 says “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” My favorite verse is John 11:25-26 which says “…I am the resurrection and the life. whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die…” The promise found in these verses is overwhelming. How could we as sinners deserve this? Why should we expect it? Our God who is an awesome God, gave us the promise of salvation if we only believe. How wonderful that is. How comforting that is and, yet, how overwhelmingly sad I have been today.
Christmas was difficult but we were still numb from her death on December 19th. We managed somehow to get through the holiday with the help of friends and family and with our faith to sustain us. Everyday since then has been a struggle to try to return to some sense of normalcy without our Jennifer. We put on our happy faces, smile, laugh and go about our daily routine, but our hearts are forever broken.
Today was the absolute hardest day ever. I thought I could do it. I thought I could get through church with minimal difficulty. After all, I had my precious family by my side. Rob, Doug, Robert, Caitlin and Wesley were all there to celebrate this most sacred day. I hardly got past the front door before the tears started. The love that was expressed by so many church members; the concern that was so obvious in their eyes…the love of God was all around us but all I could do was cry. The songs that were sung and Rusty’s sermon were very meaningful but I will have to watch the service online to really experience the service today. My ocean of tears got in the way. Looking at the cross always brings me comfort but I couldn’t find the comfort today. The beautiful Resurrection window is always a source of hope and promise but I could hardly see it today because of the tears. I KNOW THAT JENNIFER IS WITH GOD. I KNOW THAT SHE IS HEALTHY AGAIN. I KNOW ALL OF THAT. I cry because my heart will forever be missing her. I cry because she and Doug didn’t have the long life together that they had planned. I cry because of the children that she wanted so desperately but never had. She and Doug would have been wonderful parents. I cry because of the grandchildren, their children, that we will never have. I cry because it wasn’t supposed to be this way. A parent should not outlive their child. I cry because Robert has lost a sister and Wesley will not have his Aunt Jenn to love on him and oh, how she loved him.
Our son reminds me that we must continue to live the life that Jennifer would want us to live. He brings me back to reality when I seem to have lost my way. I thank God everyday for him. I don’t think that his dad and I would be able to function without him. He can make me smile when I don’t think there is a smile in me. He and Caitlin know when we need to see them and Wesley. Wesley is so innocent and so loving and of course he has no idea the immense joy that he brings to our lives. We thank God for them.
As I am writing this I am wearing the prayer shawl that one of the ladies of the church made for me. It brings me comfort and I feel the love of God’s arms around me when I am wearing it. It is a gift that I will always treasure. It is a gift of love.
As difficult as today has been and as many tears that I have cried today, I can’t begin to imagine the tears that God shed when his son, Jesus, died. His gift of love was the ultimate sacrifice. His gift was indeed the greatest love of all.