It’s been a while since I have written in my blog. Not because I had nothing to say, but because I couldn’t find the right words for that moment in time. I’m not sure that I have found them now but I’m going to try anyway.
Jennifer, I miss you so much and sometimes I can hardly catch my breath because the heartache is so bad. What I would give to turn back time, to have a “do-over”. There were so many things we had planned to do and time or lack of time got in the way. There were so many things I wanted to say as a mother to her daughter, but that didn’t always happen. We were so much alike and at times, that wasn’t necessarily a good thing. You used to comment on having that “Taylor stubbornness” and did you ever…but then, so did I. We didn’t always agree and sometimes that would lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings and/or tears but those times didn’t last long and soon we would be laughing as if nothing had happened.
In hindsight, we know now that you were much sicker than we imagined. You always put on a happy face and would tell me, “Mom, I’m fine.” You wouldn’t complain. You didn’t want anyone to worry. How I wish I had known. I, we, would have done anything to help you find what or who you needed to get better. I have relived so much of the past 4 years trying to understand why we didn’t recognize that you weren’t feeling well or that you weren’t improving like you should have been. Were we so blind that we couldn’t see what is so obvious now?
I worried, I cried, I questioned but to no avail. It’s obvious that you suffered in silence and I will never forgive myself for not realizing that, I will always feel like I failed you as a mother because I couldn’t help you to feel better, to get better.