December 19, 2015. The day that you became an angel.  The day that our lives were changed forever. Not a minute goes by that I am not thinking about you, missing you, wishing you were still here. The hole in my heart remains and no matter what happens, no matter the amount of joy and happiness in our lives, that hole will never close. A part of me died with you. Our family is lacking because you are not present. Nothing is the same anymore.

The “what if’s”, the “why didn’t I”, the “if only” questions return again and again. Why couldn’t things have been different? You and Doug were so happy. You wanted to start a family so badly. You would have been a wonderful mommy; all you ever wanted to be was a wife and a mommy. Ever since you were a little girl you talked about being a mommy. You would play with your dolls and if the way you talked to and loved them was any indication of how you would love your children, no children would have been loved more by their mommy than yours would have been loved by you.

I cry, I write and I cry some more. No matter what I write, no matter how hard I pray and yell out to God, nothing changes. The hole in my heart remains, the sound of your laughter is heard only through my memories now. I often look towards the laundry room door and expect you to walk through the door with that big smile on your face and wait on the big hug that always followed. I wait, but the door no longer opens. Your laughter, your big smile, everything about you is missed terribly. If only…

We will continue to honor your memory. We will continue to tell Wesley and Britton about their Aunt Jenn and tell them about how much love you had in your heart and that the love in your heart would have certainly been showered on them. We will tell them stories about you and your brother and the adventures that y’all had growing up. We will keep you alive through stories and through precious memories.

Another year without you and it has gotten no easier. It will never get easier. How could it? Why would it? Love is only a 4 letter word but it is one of the most powerful and painful words in the dictionary. It is a word that can bring ultimate joy and heartache almost simultaneously.  I know because I have experienced those emotions daily since December 19, 2015.

I love you,

Mom

 

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