I dread nighttime. When the sun goes down so do my spirits especially during this time of year. I think that maybe it would be good to live somewhere where the sun never sets, at least from November to March when the nights are so long.
During the day everything is ok usually. I stay busy and don’t allow my mind to wander. My thoughts are happy; the memories are precious and there are times when I close my eyes and we are together sitting on the beach laughing and talking. We may be shopping but mostly likely just people watching or, we may be just sitting on the sofa and I am holding your hands or your head is lying on my shoulder as we talk. I still find myself needing to call you or looking towards the door expecting you to walk in the door and with your big, beautiful smile say “hi mom”. Oh how I miss those moments.
As soon as I lay my head down, no matter how tired I am, my mind revs up and it begins. I begin reliving the days and weeks that you were sick. I question myself over and over. I should have known how sick you were. I’m a nurse so why didn’t I realize the severity of your problems? Until my last breath I will always feel like I failed my baby girl. This was not supposed to happen. You and Doug were going to start a family and I couldn’t wait to hold your baby and love on your baby like I was doing with Wesley. All you ever wanted was to be a wife and a mommy. You would have been a wonderful mommy, too. I should have known….why didn’t I pay closer attention to the little things? In 45 years of nursing I recognized issues, symptoms and listened to my gut. Multiple patients over the years have told me that I saved their life. Multiple times over the years, patient’s family members have thanked me for helping their loved ones and doing what needed to be done even when the doctors didn’t want to listen. There were times that I had to go out of my comfort zone and really plead my case for the patient. There were times when the doctor would be upset with my persistence only to apologize later for not listening to me initially. Why didn’t this happen with one of the most important people in my life? Why? I failed my baby girl and I am so, so sorry. We prayed to have a child for 5 years before you were born and then I failed. I will never forgive myself. I should have known.
It will be 3 years on December 19th. Still as raw as ever and time doesn’t heal. Learning to accept is a constant process but through it all, the pain remains. It does not change.
I love you and miss you so much.